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Crusaders Kings Megathread
Daraius
ShevatThe juror's taco spot
Delight us with your tales of intrigue, fratricide, plague, and random bears.
I used to make cakes.
Estarra the Eternal says, "Give Shevat the floor please."
Estarra the Eternal says, "Give Shevat the floor please."
7
(c) Iron Realms Entertainment 2012.
Comments
The eye of Dylara materialises in your hands and flings itself around your neck, tightening incomprehensibly until it is irremovable.
Perfectly clean, this eyeball has been wrenched from the socket of Dylara. It has been animated by some unusual force, constantly looking around itself as if in shock or fear. It is bathed in a light covering of white flames that roll endlessly over its surface. A single chain of empyreal metal pierces either side of the eye, allowing it to be worn around the neck.
That being said if you are patient it is a fun game. Just don't jump into it thinking it is Civ 4/5.
The eye of Dylara materialises in your hands and flings itself around your neck, tightening incomprehensibly until it is irremovable.
Perfectly clean, this eyeball has been wrenched from the socket of Dylara. It has been animated by some unusual force, constantly looking around itself as if in shock or fear. It is bathed in a light covering of white flames that roll endlessly over its surface. A single chain of empyreal metal pierces either side of the eye, allowing it to be worn around the neck.
TIME TO UPDATE THIS THRILLING SAGA!
First, the good news: my slutty queen of Leon survived this war. How? Money. Money, money, money. I had just enough gold to hire mercenaries to decimate the largest chunk of Castile's forces. By the time I had to dismiss them, my own levies had started to grow, and it was easy to pick off Castilian armies one by one.
And as luck would have it, I had a son. But initially, I just had a daughter. And that made me quite nervous. Until finally (finally!) the King of Navarra gave his wife a sickly male infant to inherit both the kingdoms of Leon and Navarra via primogeniture.
But! Insurance policies are important in primogeniture-land. So my slutty queen (as you do) was sleeping around the court to keep her grumpy vassals happy post-war levy-raising.
Which leads to a second bundle of joy, who conveniently no one suspects for being what he is: a bastard by my lover, the duke (lol forget which duke, there were so many). So he's raised as the legitimate pretender to the throne.
Both grow up to be fine men, mostly. That's a lie actually; the legitimate eldest son is awesome. I raise him personally to be good at basically everything except intrigue, which, you win some you lose some. But somehow my husband wound up raising our second son, and frankly, my husband is an idiot who enjoys encouraging lazy and paranoid behavior in "our" son.
Meanwhile I'm just super excited about my legitimate firstborn. I snag him an engagement and eventual marriage to the freaking Queen of Aragon. My dreams of an empire are growing. So excite. My husband, no slouch himself, sets up the secondborn to marry a Princess of Galicia. Not bad, but eh, she's no queen, amirite?
By the time I die, my son is married to the Queen of Aragon and due to inherit Navarre when his father eventually will die. I think, any moment now these excitable kids will have a baby of their own to inherit.
And that's why my freaking bastard brother murders me in the night!!!!1!!! (╯ರ ~ ರ）╯︵ ┻━┻
MY STUPID SLOTHFUL BROTHER WITH POOR STEWARDSHIP, WHO IS NOW ME, INHERITS EVERYTHING. THE QUEEN OF ARAGON GOES AND MARRIES SOME OTHER DUDE.
And now I'm in a war AGAIN, and guys I had to take a break, because I am still in mourning for the Amazing Empire That Could Have Been.
Moral of the story: don't sleep around the kingdom. You will get syphilis, die, and your sons will kill each other.
@Yarith got me into EU4, and I go through cycles of obsession with it. CK2 sounds fun, but I don't think I have the heart to learn another Paradox game.
But booooyyyy didn't we have a good campaign. 10/10 would play Savoy right next to Milan just to spite Kelly
== Professional Girl Gamer ==
Yes I play games
Yes I'm a girl
get over it
It's a shame people are scared of getting into CKII because of the high learning curve.
It is easily one of my all time favorite games.
Definitely keep the fun stories coming, because I get such a giggle from them.
The eye of Dylara materialises in your hands and flings itself around your neck, tightening incomprehensibly until it is irremovable.
Perfectly clean, this eyeball has been wrenched from the socket of Dylara. It has been animated by some unusual force, constantly looking around itself as if in shock or fear. It is bathed in a light covering of white flames that roll endlessly over its surface. A single chain of empyreal metal pierces either side of the eye, allowing it to be worn around the neck.
I'm playing in Arabia, as the Hashimid duke of vaguely modern-day Jordan. Everything is going swimmingly, I've married 4 low-prestige but genius wives and have a genius son by one of them, when boom! I'm dead of natural causes.
Well, I'm now playing as the son, and still a minor, so someone has to be regent. Will it be his genius mother? No, of course not, this is the middle ages. It's some random bumbling courtier. Great. Time to get all the worst traits. Except... it doesn't happen. Despite the utter incompetence of this man, he somehow manages to raise me with all the best traits. Gregarious, diligent, patient, just. I grow up and am awesome.
Well done, bumbling regent. Have some lands. Have my dad's genius ex-wives (but not my mother because that would be weird.) I marry some more random geniuses and get on with making a genius son of my own. A few years later, I check back and the bumbling regent has got a genius daughter. There is an obvious solution here, I think. Betrothal time!
Years after that, I'm now playing as the grandson, married to the bumbling regent's genius daughter. Thanks to the lovers event, they're actually madly in love, which is pretty uncommon in an eugenics marriage. Well, I think, that's sweet. I swear fealty to the huge Abbasid blob so I can grab some duchies from the inside, and the Caliph (emperor-level title) lets me marry both his daughter and his sister.
The two princesses keep inundating me with requests to be first wife. I say no every time. Meanwhile, the One True Love keeps having babies, and holy crap. A genius son, a daughter, then another son, and then twins, both geniuses (!) BEST WIFE EVER.
At the same time I've gotten my other wife, the Caliph's sister, pregnant. She has a son, which is what I was going for in the first place. After the son is born, I kill her, and she leaves her claim on the empire to him. I start a faction to install him on the throne, and after a long civil war, the son is king.
Great! So now all I have to do is wait to play the son, right? I've got the Abbasid Empire secured for my line. But that's not enough, because I've gotten really fond of my One True Love here, and no son of mine who isn't also a son of hers will do. Back in this patch you could still use the pay to assassinate button on your own kids, so a couple thousand gold later, my son with the Abbasid princess is dead by my assassins, and as his father I inherit the entire empire via agnatic inheritance rules.
I divorce the remaining Abbasid princess, ignore the "You only have one wife" prestige penalty, and live out the rest of my life with my One True Love. Our genius son gets the empire when I die. Despite (because of?) an incredible amount of backstabbing, pregnancy, strategic marriage and war, love wins.
TL;DR: you might be royalty, but where are my genius babies?
Count Arthurius of Messene, Count of Messene and of Thessaloniki is preparing his forces to ambush the Muslim invaders. The road has not been the easiest one since a constant starvation has left its mark on his forces, however the morale is still high up as ever. He is commanding 869 men together with his trusted commander Biagio.
Everything is going rather fine, Count Arthurius is in as fine health as possible.
But then...
A couple of days camping in the mountains and the first party of Muslim's are in sight. About 120 men which are no match for 800 surely. Count Arthurius mounts a daring charge and gets hit in the face with something heavy. He becomes severely injured and his face is disfigured. The day has been won as the Muslim invades flee for their leaves in the face of the overwhelming force of the heavy cavalry known as Cataphracts.
Rest assured, the count is still able to continue ruling as the blow to the face didn't knock him out. The campaign in the Hispanic peninsula continues with lots of hit and run tactics.
Until...
A priest requests an audience and asks the count to protect a holy relic, because the banditry is running wild and loose in the area. Of course, the count accepts. The pope approves of the fact that he now owns an object regarded as a holy relic.
Alas...
Count Arthurius has severe abdominal pains and asks for the opinion of his court physician. Evidently the people who brought him in didn't read the fine print under contract. The person claims to be a renowned physician but renowned for what?
My court physician tells me to wear a satchel around my neck that contains a bone from a chicken, he says it wards off evil spirits. Then he tells me to write down the names of my worst enemies on a parchment and then throw this parchment into the stove when no one is looking, evidently this should take the supposed disease off my shoulder and onto the shoulders of my enemies.
But it does not work that way, i end up developing slow fever. My court physician comes in with a bucket. The bucket is full of intestines and he covers my torso with them. It wasn't such a good idea. I'm now sicker than before.
While my court physician is trying to treat me from my disease, my first daughter is trying to murder my spymaster and my spymaster is trying to murder my third daughter.
To be continued
So.. Despite the fact that my court physician completely botched my treatment, i survive the slow fever.
But, before i could rejoice. The scars on my face begin festering and then oozing. Like, if i wasn't already disfigured enough. Everybody dislikes me because i look literally like a monster from a nightmare by this point.
Then...
My brother Ambrosius returns from somewhere and brings with him 9000 men put together from exiles, hopefuls and criminals. He has an intent to claim the throne of the byzantine empire from my nephew. The war doesn't take long because my brother dies of scurvy and the casus belli dies with him since the claim was only a weak one.
My wife has only given birth to three daughters and i am not getting younger. I need that son to inherit me!
I am a repulsive monster with scars, disfigured face and a body wrecked by slow fever, but somehow i manage to make three bastards in total with two different women. A male heir is secured!
Everything is going fine until...
My own oldest daughter tells me that if i don't pay her, she is going to expose my 'Affairs' to everybody. Likely trying to cause a scandal. However, she doesn't ask for a lot of money, so i pay her off. But that backstab, i will not forget it, i shall have my revenge against my oldest daughter!
Then my third daughter dies, not by my spymaster, but by the princess of East Francia. I wonder what she did to piss her off.. So now i have only a single daughter left.
However, the situation gets worse. I hear that my niece is plotting to gather enough support among the courtiers of Messene to fabricate a claim on the county and that my Chancellor is involved in it together with my Court Chaplain and three nobody courtiers.
Once i'm done solving this mess, it's time for a realm purge.. Evidently.
(Disclaimer: I think Lusternia is a way more complex game than CK2, so take that as you will.)
Everything was going great for the first couple generations! My first couple characters were much beloved, and especially great at warring. So great in fact that my courtiers expressed concern, asking me to please be more careful in the future. Just stay home, they said. Let others do the fighting. But it's so much fun! I said. Besides, my Chancellor just now fabricated yet another claim on my neighbors. I should have listened.
Almost immediately, my duke gets killed in battle. We win the claim, and now control a solid half of Ireland. But it's not going so well anymore. I'm now by far my worst son, who somehow became a cruel, cynical debaucher despite being raised by my most loyal and kind bishop. Everybody, especially the clergy, despises him now.
My stepmother immediately moves back to France and begins plotting to kill my only heir. Presumably so my half-siblings succeed me instead of the evil little brat (who also hates me) I've got right now. I understand that she wants her own kids on the throne, but I don't get why my freaking aunt decided to join in on the fun. Auntie now gets to rot in the deepest, darkest parts of prison, where I hope she will soon die!
They apparently have conjugal visits even in the oubliette, because she does die a couple years later in childbirth. I have some sympathy for the kid; being born and raised in a medieval prison is no fate for a child, especially my cousin. I most leniently and generously allow the kid's release. This was a mistake. A couple decades later and my cousin is now joining in on the same freaking plots her mother did, including killing my still-only son, which is still a thing because I don't have the power to touch stepmommy all the way over in France.
Every petty noble I gave land to as my dad is now plotting, too. Every single one of them wants the realm for themselves, and my dearest cousin is helping too many of them. I have some hope for my lineage, because at least most of the petty nobles want my crown for themselves. If they all united, I'd probably be screwed.
It's very overwhelming. I spent most of my time thinking "What's happening? What can I even do right now? How do I see all my options!?" and clicking on random things, foolishly hoping to find clarity as opposed to more questions.
Like Sylandra said, watching someone who knows what to care about (and what to click on to find it) play through a game helps a lot. Also, starting on Newbie Island (aka Ireland) instead of a more contentious location helps.
Eventually you get to throw people into oubliettes and pay incompetent co-conspirators to try to stab your brother and stuff. It may or may not be worth it to suffer through the learning curve.
Is point 1 massive enough to be a priority over the constant bribes/feasts/hunts/etc. to keep your vassals happy? Or more like a "when you can" kind of thing? That stuff is expensive.
And does point 2 apply if your ruler already has undesirable traits themselves (esp. something like "slow")? I thought the kids picked up on all the stuff their tutor had.
Point 2 ALWAYS APPLIES. You can decide how you respond to certain mentor events. That can help you create and cultivate the traits in your heir that you want.
So I know one of the later DLCs changed the education system entirely, but prior to that there is actually a good reason why you'd want to give your preferred heir(s) another guardian. The education trait that people get when they turn 16 is partially (mostly/entirely?) determined by who their final mentor was at the time that they turn 16. If you have an education trait you don't really want to pass onto your preferred heir(s), you can mentor them right up until just before they turn 16, then assign a guardian to them that does have an education trait you want them to inherit. This way you can shape their growth for most of their childhood while still being able to maximise the chance of them getting a good education trait.
Talking about DLC's. You should definitely get The old gods, Charlemagne and Way of life. Those are the DLC's that give you the most bang for your buck. The rest are sort of optional flavor DLC's and DLC's that add more challenge to the game such as Conclave, Reaper's due and Sunset Invasion.
-Kilian
Easiest thing I have found to early expansion is inviting people to your court that have claims on titles near you, and trying to marry them into your family (like force them into a matrilineal marriage), then when the title passes on to your grandson, go win it for your family.