Goodbye

Kiradawea

Today is a good day for me. It's the day I'm finally quitting Lusternia.

You ever had the feeling of being alone in a crowd? That's what I feel like every single day in this place. And I hate it. There's dozens of people I end up interacting with, but only one that seems to be genuinely happy to see me. And I don't like that. I don't want that. I don't want to play in a game where I feel with certainty that people don't want me around. I have no energy to try and interject myself in any society where I'm actively and passively excluded.

Because it takes a whole lot of energy. To just sit and stare at the desktop shortcut, heart pounding a mile a minute. Torn between feeling a responsibility to do my best, and the crushing realization that it really is all for nothing.

I'm used to being unwanted. I could endure it for the intriguing and exciting world that is Lusternia. If all I did was log in, explore the world and log out, it'd be fine. But, fool that I am, I try to connect. And that's where I time and time again inevitably fail. If I'd just stopped logging in, no one would notice or care. I've been part of this community for years and yet all I am and can aspire to be is a glorified encyclopedia.

And perhaps that is my greatest flaw. I spend so much time looking up information for pretty much everything I do. Which sets me up to fail and all hard, because I put so much energy into something people won't even care about. And that leaves me to be not a person, but some thing that you can poke when you need answers, or someone to antagonize or who knows what, and otherwise ignore.

This isn't something new. My original plan was honestly to call it quits after the Institute ended. It'd be a nice closure. A reasonable time to retire, and I figured I'd be useful in the closing process what with my long history in the guild. None of the new guilds spoke to me. Like so many times before there was no real room anywhere for me. Stupidly I listened when someone pretended my ideas were wanted and needed. Ignoring the fact that it's insane. That I'm insane. Doing the same thing again and expecting a different result. There can't ever be a time where I put myself out there and receive nothing but... but scorn or mistrust or demeaning snideness.

When I first set out to write this I was at first going to just speak in terms generic and broad. But the more I write, the angrier I get, because I keep recalling instance after instance of being used and ignored. And when you're as embittered as I am, it's nauseating listening in on guild conversations about "support" when the whole damn city is a cesspool of family politics and elitism. Pointless etiquette without a shred of genuine interest for other people. I suppose that is the Hallifaxian way.

But now it's finally over. I've won my freedom and once I finish with this post I'll be able to turn my attention to work people will actually appreciate.

I'm writing this mostly to give myself some kind of closure. There's probaby gonna be a whole lot of internet tough guy sass, which makes me wonder who you'll even write it for. I ain't gonna see it. Returning here would be counter to what I'm trying to do. Which is to leave it all behind. There'll be no more false friends. No more harassment. No more reminders that no matter what I do, I will never be liked, never be more than a passing thought and scorn.

I always had this strong desire that one day I'd do something so great, it'll always be remembered. A futile hope if there ever was one I'm sure.

At this point I'm rambling. So I'm going to end this on as positive a note as I can.

Thank you @Vivet. Out of everyone in Lusternia, you're the only one I can think of who has always made me feel wanted. That is a very rare feeling for me, and I am going to miss it. Please take care of yourself, and I hope to see you on Smite.

And thank you @Orventa. I've had a lot of fun in our interactions. I wish you the best of luck wherever the future takes you.

Farewell

Fyler

Ordassa

I don't know but it always seems so hard to connect IG. I mean what to say? tea/booze/socialite RP gets OLD really quickly. same with philosophy discussions (that just end up going in circles). Good writers are hard to come by.

@Kiradawea I wish you well. I never did get to know you well.

Orventa

@Kiradawea Love you always Kira

Also, Turilira + Jeanne OTP forever.

Sorry I couldn't be as present as much as I'd liked for RP and such, and you will always be an inspiration to me as a roleplayer. Truly.

Arix

Good luck, I don't think we interacted much outside of random conversations and unfortunate name mixups, but I know how hard it is sometimes to get RP going on your own terms, and I hope you find somewhere new to keep you entertained

Shaddus

I always thought we got along on several characters including Pesukaru, but ok. I hope your life starts going better. 

Vivet

Not sure if you'll be reading over this topic again ever, but I did send along a PM.

Othero

Yo, I don't play Lusternia that much anymore (I'm just here for the mafia and because I've still got a lot of Lusternia friends) but you always seemed cool and I hope you're taking care of yourself. This reads less like someone doing something for themselves and more like someone who's pushing people away before they can "be hurt". Sorry if I'm wrong.

Saran

It's a thing that happens to a lot of people, especially right now. Hopefully this post helps @Kiradawea and also prompts some self-reflection among the playerbase.

Taer

It's a sad but true fact, but yes, there's a group of people; current and ex-players alike who seem to get kicks out of 'trolling' people and straight up bullying them to the point they just say screw it and leave. I think by this stage, most people know who they are. It's so damn frustrating that we keep losing decent people simply so that said small group can get their daily dose of amusement.

One can only hope they get bored soon and move away from the game and grow up, but I'm not going to hold my breath...

Skanylla

Believe it or not, i can totally feel you. I went through the same thing on my first IRE mud that was Imperian. Only two people in the entire game were genuinely excited to see me. Apart from the demon empress Esmyrsia if we count gods as well. I felt like i was missing out on something because everyone else seemed to be enjoying the immersion and i just couldn't grasp it and frankly no one cared that i could not.

Lavinya

This post resonates so very very strongly with me. I feel that I understand completely. Sorry to see it and to see you go. Your mafia games were awesome.

Tremula

I've felt so much of this, and if it weren't for my tiny bastion of support I've built up over the years, I'd have retired or just stopped altogether. You were always fun to be around, Kira, and I used to think Jeanne was a good controlled mob with how well you write and play. You likely won't see this, but I thought you were one of the best people to see walking around Halli. I'm sorry for all the times I confused you and Kialkarkea, and hope you find your solace. I'll remember you.

Kerith

@Kiradawea Never got to RP with you but man I sure can relate to your post. I came here mainly for designing/crafting system, but quickly let myself get sidetracked into interacting and then got sucked into the mindset of trying belong and connect... should've known better. I don't want my character to be forever unplayable just because some jerks with 14-year-old mentalities want to feel like big fish in a tiny pond, but the fact is they dominate almost every aspect of the game so it's pretty hard to ignore. I waver between that determination to keep doing what I originally came here for, and saying forget it and not bothering anymore.

@Taer is absolutely right. Unfortunately, it will never change as long as the game's model is the way it is. And I can't see it changing for the better.

I hadn't planned to say anything but seeing the stuff @Lavinya etc have been saying lately, I realize there's probably a lot more people feeling this way than we know because they keep it quiet. So I'm sure I'm inviting more trolling by saying anything but screw it, I want to show solidarity to anyone feeling this way. For whatever that's worth.

Othero

That really sucks, sorry. Though it sounds like there are more of you on the receiving end of things. As someone who's been in similar situations I'm sorry. 

Sylandra

For what it's worth, you always struck me as someone who worked hard and cared about everything you did in Lusternia. I hope you're doing well and enjoying whatever it is you've chosen to do now in your free time instead. You deserve to have fun, and if Lusternia isn't fun anymore for you, I'm glad you stepped away. I know the feeling of dreading logging in, and that's never a good place to be.

PS: Will miss matching wits with you in mafia/trying to figure out your sneaky mafia games. /shakefist

Maligorn

Hey -- I am sorry for not posting in a while. I still don't feel like I'm able to collect my thoughts regarding the prospect of you leaving. I hope that you find validation and joy elsewhere -- I know you can. And if you cannot find it, then I know you have the capacity to generate it for yourself, too. I'll always remember you as one of the most creative souls here, and not to mention one of the most well-versed in the lore, while also being able to frame your knowledge and thoughts in an insightful and engaging way. Whenever you found time to be online, it was always good to see and hear you. It made me feel more at home.

I hope you'll look back at this time in your life and remember the good things. There's only so much integrity and genuine intent you can put into text, but still, I'm wishing you the best in your life and your endeavors. Goodbye.

Annick

i have so much to say 

Saran

Just another thing, ooc bullying and stuff is easy to spot but also your roleplay is not more important than someone else's mental health.

If your characters can't avoid interacting and you've been told, by them or another, that your IC actions are triggering them then you need to adjust your character.

Like sure, sometimes it happens unintentionally, but it's your choice if you ignore it.