The Greatest Story Ever Told

Breandryn

We hosted a city celebration to cheer at the fleshpots being restored. Here's a fun, weird, wild story we all wrote together during the party. Full log here: http://pastebin.com/prL6yKr2 

Many thanks to @Lendren for the game idea, which I shamelessly stole from a fun party he hosted and his lastest book!

WARNING: DO NOT READ IF HUNGRY (also, this is a really silly story)

--------

Breandryn - words: Bacon, fire, booze

Voice hushed as her eyebrows raise, you say, "Once upon a time, there was a King. This King was a marvelous man of a magical kingdom, for he was the Grand King Baconator of Bacontopia!"

Pursing her lips as she continues the story, you say, "Now, Grand King Baconator was plagued by one thing, but it was a terrible fear for him and his populace: the wild, ravenous flame hogs who marauded across the countryside, spitting fire and roasting peasants to charred crisps!"

Shivering at her own story, you say, "But the Grand King Baconator was wise and kind and vowed to help his subjects, so he prepared himself to make a grand journey to seek aid. He saddled up his hamhock steed and wielded a mighty turkey leg, with his lunch meat shield strapped to his back, and set off to petition the Queen of the neighboring kingdom....Boozeland!"

Xypher - words: canoe, cookies, pigeons

Xypher stands upright, swaying a bit from the consumption. With a wave of his arm, a fine mist of paradigmatic energy flows down while he beings or orate the tale, "The great King, oh the great King! Long did he travel, far and wide. For the kingdom of Boozeland was far from his capital. Over land his steed did ride, till it fell into a river of sticky syrup. Oh the embarrassment! Oh the shame! He had not fed the beast, so it fled to find its own sweet salvation!"

Xypher makes a grand motion with both arms, allowing prismatic lights of chaotic energy and essence to flow from his wings. "But here, yes! Here he did find the great canoe of pancake flotilla. Yes, the flotilla that sails the great Syrup Sea! The great king called out to those on board the sweet pillowy good vessel, and beseeched them for a ride. But alas, he would need to leave his beloved steed behind."

Xypher lowers his arms, as his tone grows low, "With a heavy heart, he sent the creature from whence it came...with a great gulp of the sticky food it did so charge away. He gave a nod and boarded the floury creation, embarking on way to boozeland via the sea...but oh...oh the fools! They did not know! How could they!" He flaps his arms and wings as he runs around the group mocking a great bird. "They came! Oh how they came! The pigeons of the vile lands, the shadowy place of garbage island! The fools came to close! And with a great whoosh!" He flops into the middle of those gathered for dramatic effect, "They ate a great whole into the pancake canoe!"

With a grin, Grand Xypher Stormcrow, Dreamer of Saffron whispers, "Oh that is the best part! Yes! For it was with the great cookie launchers that they fended off the winged vermin! With a shot here and a shot there!" He mocks each shot dramatically, "But they still were sinking...oh what would the king do now?!"

Enadonella - words: butterfly, puppy, trumpet

Enadonella gives the crowd her best Breandryn impression, mocking her prior fear and horror, "He's sinking, almost drowning. OH NO! Whatever could save him now?" emphasising the question with a fling of her arms she turns on Rhi and snarls, "The wafflepups of the deep Syrup Sea started to circle the soon to be drowning great King." and just as she is about face to face with Rhi she spins to snap her hands at Xypher, her voice ruched and deep with intenisty "A wafflepup takes a chunk of the great King's calf!"

Enadonella smiles wickedly, giving you a sly wink she continues... "But the grand clashing noises of the battle between the great King and the pigions alerted the Boozeland forces, each of them upon absinthe coloured butterflies. With bizarre trumpeting sounds they swoop in to barely save the day!". Taking the skirt of her dress in each hand she offers a humble curtsey to declare the end of her part and returns to the corner swiftly.

Nilofer - words: star, wakabi, silence

Nilofer stands, weapon pointed and roaring beneath her voice, "Thankfully, the battle was finished, although a feeling of decided unease struck the King."

Nilofer points Torque-Edge at Rolan.

One arm outstretched, with the sword continuing that line, Nilofer points Torque-Edge toward a slice of strawberry cheesecake, her thumb working a switch to speed the sword's engine into a dull roar for a moment.

Colonel Nilofer n'Lochli, Iron-Blooded Marquessa says, "On the shore of the great sea of sugary death, however, a cloaked figure watched the precedings unfold, astride her great bird mount, the smell of fine brandy mingling with maple goodness."

Nilofer continues, intensity continuing to build in her voice even as her volume lowers, her sword's mechanisms manipulated to rumble ever more quietly, "The King spied the figure even as he greeted the captain of the guard, noting that the five-pointed formation they flew in was quite unlike the standard configuration of the Boozeland military: instead of the typical arrangement of seven forming a bottle, the men were arranged in a circle, indicative, from his extensive knowledge of heraldry and tactics, of the pirates of the Island of Crepe in one of the Syrup Sea's secluded bays, quite close to the borders of Boozeland.

Sword finally cutting out and laid along her leg Nilofer nods with sagacious intent, "The King was aware of this, but kept his misgivings to himself: better to be led into the court a cognizant prisoner than a corpse, he imagined."

Nilofer continues on, swigging down another chug of whiskey, "As the cavalry turned to lead him onward, the King gestured with one arm to the mysterious wakabi rider, who quickly disappeared over a sugary dune, riding hard toward an enclave of her few remaining loyalist guardsmen, sequestered safely somewhere safe subterraneanly in the sewers beneath the castle."

Nilofer takes to a squat as she prepares to finish her portion of the tale, voice dropping once more, "It was there, with her guardians, that the Queen beseeched the star-formed Elder who watched over her kingdom, Cognacguine, for a blessing in the reverse-coup the King surely intended from within and below her former stronghold."

Rolan - words: banana, chest-pillows (lawl), and a butcher knife of infinite power

Rolan quietly says, "The great star-formed, vast and almighy, heard the queens prayer. And it yawned mightly because it was tired and bored, and had stayed up late last night playing with a banana in a, shall we say, unusual way."

Captain Rolan Vessandril whispers, "But the Elder did hear, and was obligated to respond. And so, it took a long moment, and..."

Rolan begins bellowing at the top of his lungs, as star-formed are want to do, "WHAT SERIOUSLY WHAT YOU WASTE MY TIME WITH THIS OH COME ON WE GAVE YOU TWO BLESSINGS LAST WEEK I MEAN SERIOUSLY WHY DO WE EVEN WASTE OUR TIME WITH YOU MEATBAGS OKAY FINE HERE HAVE THIS KNIFE OF SOME GREAT POWER I WAS DONE WITH IT ANYWAY GOSH".

Captain Rolan Vessandril intones, "The Queen recieved the knife, and knew what she must do. She charged at the King when his back was turned, fully intending on stabbing him directly in the ear. But she slipped on the banana, which the star-formed had just left out there. And so the butcher knife of some great power skittered to King Baconator's feet. Which, of course, in the ways of his people, constitutes a marriage proposal."

Captain Rolan Vessandril says, "The King accepted, as honor demands he must, and so their two kingdoms would be joined. Luckily, the King had brought an appropriate offering of his own. A pillow-chest. A tiny chest full of pillows."

Rhi - words: Waltz, whisky, headslams!

Whelp Rhi says, "Ok!"

Whelp Rhi says, "So the army is still out there erm."

Whelp Rhi says, "Fighting the flame hogs and stuff and erm the pigs stood up and were like "Hey-yo let's settle this!""

Rhi peers about herself unscrupulously.

Whelp Rhi says, "The army is like "Woah! did you just talk?" the hog were like "We can walk on two legs too and we challenge you to a dance off!""

Ignoring the strange n'Lochli, Whelp Rhi says, "So General Chief Coordinator Headslam was like "WE ACCEPT THE DANCE IS A WALTZ! WHO EVER STEPS ON THE OTHERS' FOOT FIRST RETREATS!""

Rhi coughs, looking rather concerned about the absurdity of the situation.

Whelp Rhi says, "So like....erm......................GCC Headslam was saying, "MEN!" though there were probably like, girls there too but, "Select your piggy partner!" and so people um went and picked on, oh oh everyone had super heavy feet so they'd cry out in pain if they got stepped on. So if erm you heard a pig squeal or a person yelp, you'd know and...."

Sksez, bringing it home - words: plum, ship turret, kitchen

Revolutionary Sksez, Noble Liberator of Pastries says, "Alright, so, as the dance off began, a cloud of fire mantes came and began to play a droning melody by rubbing their wings and legs together. It was beautiful, very moving. The dance seemed to be going swimmingly, and no one had stepped on a foot yet. Suddenly, the mantes grew really, really loud, playing a repeated note in a rythmic pattern."

Animatedly, Revolutionary Sksez, Noble Liberator of Pastries says, "An aethership hung in the sky above, blasting down with a revolving turret! Suddenly, the hogs began running into pre-dug tunnels around the battlefield, taking cover from the attack, but King Baconator's forces weren't so lucky! After the initial volley, Headslam and many of his men had been decimated. The survivors were in a Nil-scape, with the sounds of the dead and dying echoing all over the place."

Revolutionary Sksez, Noble Liberator of Pastries says, "The hogs rushed from their holes and began clashing with the surviving army, and a great battle erupted once again! The Aethership began to recharge its gun when suddenly it was zapped by Lord Cognacguine and exploded as he shouted "SHUT IT! I'M TRYING TO SLEEP IT OFF!" The wreckage rained down on the battlefield, scattering parts here and there and crushing the odd combatant. The Mantes, suddenly less confident, buggered off to the Fire plane."

Revolutionary Sksez, Noble Liberator of Pastries says, "The Hogs were still pressing their advantage, though, when suddenly, a cry came from the kitchens of King Baconator's castle! A plum tart had gained sentience, and raised his fellow pastry bretheren with him, and they were throwing off the schackles of oppression! The Pastrylution had begun! They rushed onto the battlefield and began to clash with the hogs, who began to eat them en masse. As the pastry army was quickly devoured, the hogs began to move a little more sluggishly, what with their bellies now so full of the hopes and dreams of pastrykind for a brighter, more free future."

Revolutionary Sksez, Noble Liberator of Pastries says, "All seemed lost!"

Revolutionary Sksez, Noble Liberator of Pastries says, "But then, a miracle!"

Revolutionary Sksez, Noble Liberator of Pastries says, "The hogs began to choke on their own tongues and die!"

Revolutionary Sksez, Noble Liberator of Pastries says, "They had been poisoned by the sentient pastries, who, instead of rising up against their oppressors, chose to join hands for everyone's freedom and sacrifice themselves to poison the enemies of the land."

Revolutionary Sksez, Noble Liberator of Pastries says, "The surviving soldiers began to celebrate, and a great ham feast was had by all in the land, and King Baconator lived a thousand years and sired three hundred children. Baconator Juniors, if you will."

Revolutionary Sksez, Noble Liberator of Pastries says, "Sons of Baconator."

Revolutionary Sksez, Noble Liberator of Pastries says, "And the Sons of Baconator reigned over the land until sadly, they eventually fell under the weight of their own corruption. Such is life."

- fin! -

Kyori

This sounds more like a tribute to the greatest story ever told.

Rhi

Nerve wracking!

Breandryn

RIP GCC Headslam

Maligorn

Is Nilofer's sword from Devil May Cry IV?

Mrak

Maligorn said:

Is Nilofer's sword from Devil May Cry IV?

I'm not sure whether she got the idea from somewhere, but I love the fact that it's broken. It should be "...points Torque-Edge toward Rolan" but apparently the code is somehow broken, and it just grabs a random item from the database.

Maligorn

Oh, I see. I was wondering if she was revving up her engine blade to cut up some cake or something.