Self Reflection...Years Gone By.

Munsia

So, with everything going on lately and the hearing about God's coming and going since my return, as well with the incident with Vathael I've been reminiscing more and more lately. Where have the times gone? Where will they go? Who was I back then? Who am I now?

Very few of you enjoy my company now, but I assure you more enjoy it than they use to. I've always been an on edge player, and back when I started Lusternia in September of 04 I was a total newbie. Lusternia was my first MUD, and the concept was so alluring that I couldn't go away. Believe it or not my first character was NOT Munsia. I had a brief stint for a week with another character who promptly was removed from their guild (go figure right? :P ). So I decided to restart, reload...try again. I started off as a Moondancer, and after about 1 IC year I realized that I did not like Merloch at all, I had switched to Hartstone. It's there that I learned how to pvp and started taking up a name of my self. So between Moondancer and Hartstone I was still getting into trouble with my city. I think I nearly got kicked out once or twice as well due to just attacking people (didn't know better!) until one day Narsrim walked up and used his pooka on me to just get me in trouble for no reason. I don't know why but we hit it off from there and became friends. He taught me the little ways of getting away and I taught him more about how melding works..together we formed a nearly unstoppable team within the first 2 years of Lusternia.  In those first 2 years I battled massive OOC issues with the admins, because I rarely found myself staying IC, even accruing more than 4 months of a rolepoint dock until an admin took pity on me and changed my life around. 

Back when I started, I was only 16 years old and to be honest if it was not for this game I would not have been able to make it through my last three high school years, or be able to tolerate the extreme depressions I've gone through. I have had severe anger issues IRL and most of my outbursts were taken out directly in the game and on other people (resulting in many burnt bridges). For these I apologize sincerely. There is no excuse for the actions that were ever caused, but you provided an escape for me to prevent damage to my real life.  I feel as if I've barely grown up some times though. I'm 25 now, nearing my 26th birthday and as I've just been fired from a job I've held for the last 5 years I find myself once more clinging to the second life I've created on Lusternia. You've become my family, you've become my friends, and you've become my enemies. In each way you've fed an unhealthy addiction yet saved me from catastrophic life failures.  A small piece of insight, before I started playing Lusternia I had accrued a handful of felonies for assault against my teachers, and my own family for random acts of anger outburst. I spent 2 years in a group home and nearly a year in a foster home due to these actions and the lack of release. Am I trying to make a cop out? No. I was responsible for my actions and always will be.

In the six months I was shrubbed I had a lot of time to think and realize things about Lusternia that I didn't really understand before. This addiction is what keeps me going, strangely. I have to pay my bills to keep the internet on. I can't cause harm to those I desire because I can't play Lusternia in a prison. I can't tell my boss they are probably the stupidest person to ever step foot on this earth. I under appreciated what I had back then, and I'm ready to turn a new leaf. I had begun mending some old hatreds since my return over the last month, though some of you will continue to be on that list probably forever (Mainly because I still have reaction issues). 

Although I still speak bad of SOME of the ones I'm going to list, I do owe you apologies, and thank yous. 

Largely I owe an apology to a  handful of individuals known as 'Volunteer Gods'; the unpaid individuals who do things for this game and keep it running so that more novices come in. You provide amusement for other players and work as a vital role to insure Lusternia's rich environment. I do not always agree with your methods, or what you do, but you did not deserve the treatment you had received from me in the past. This directly goes towards @Mysrai, the lamented @Eventru, @Zvoltz upon introduction and follow ups.

I also want to thank a few of the gods, but I do not believe any of the past players will ever be able to see this..I feel it is necessary.  @Hajaminwas the first god I ever truly decided to follow, and even at my early years and the rep I had accrued, Hajamin was willing to let me in and begin my work to redeeming myself. On occasion during the 'Cow' insults he had even defended me. I found this encouraging and tried to make the best of it. His departure is one of the things that truly rocked me in Lusternia and even led to quite the cry session, which is rare. @Morgfyre came about as a replacement for Hajamin upon his departure, and at first I was insulted that they would just 'eat' a god, but eventually Morgfyre found a way to roleplay this out. He had convinced Munsia that he WAS Hajamin. Morgfyre was merely a collection of these souls and each one was still fully and entirely aware. They were given more power as a group and were able to do more things. So, this was the first time Munsia joined Magnagora under the command of Morgfyre. To think a god would DEMAND to let a large enemy in, and the city to just let it happen. Now we can't always agree that Divine should push their power, but it won him a little credit. Sadly my first stay in Magnagora did not last long due to the unrest it caused, the hatred I faced, and my own reactions in turn. It also led to my departure from Morgfyre because his Order felt exactly the same, but he would not go against them. So this leads me to @Raezon. Raezon was an interesting person for Munsia to involve herself in, only following him because Narsrim had done so as well in the past. Raezon and Munsia had a talk about how she desired power from him, and in return would give anything he wanted. She would be his standard to replace the late Narsrim, she would do her best to represent. He accepted her in and even gave her a shot at Inner Order. I screwed it up pretty bad, granted, and my greed shall always get in the way. I miss you Raezon come back to meee

Finally, the admins. @Estarra you have taken the brunt of my attacks over the year and still I do not agree with many things you do. You and @Roark are entirely forgiving though and are willing to do things for us at odd times. You have not deserved the abuse and back and forths we've had, you work very hard to bring us the next big thing in Lusternia, and I'm sure most of you work is thankless.    As far as Roark goes, he's always there when I have a quick question, just as Iosai was. There are some complicated codings in some things of the game that I feel a bug just doesn't get responses to, and when we're building an aethership he seems to know quite a lot! 

As for the players? There are so many of you and I do not wish to embarrass you with pointing out who you are, what you have done, and what you haven't done.

I've burned bridges over the years as I've grown up, maturity coming to me slowly and the only thing increasing is my ego. I've pissed off those who would be my direct allies, and stomped others before they could even know me. The slightest slight against me, became a reason for a jihad against you in the first place. Were any of you deserving of this? Some...but only a very select few. The rest of you were innocent bystanders, knowing nothing of who I was, or what I could do for you. 

There are those of you who have stood by me over the years, some longer than others. Quite the thankless job as I do not make it easy to be my friend. My allies were used as shields against the rest, and growing grumpy when I didn't get my way. I had become a spoiled brat to you, though you always kept coming back. With Narsrim gone, only one person has endured the full abuse of this position, and @Arimisia must be mentioned. 

So in short, an end to my musings, a thank you to the community, and a thank you to the existence of Lusternia itself. You mold me into a person with each day as I learn new life lessons that I could not encounter in my exceedingly sheltered life. 

(I apologize for the Tl;dr in advance...)

Dys

You took me on my first domoth during your Gaudi stay, and didn't murder me when I attacked your tiger because it was the first unfamiliar thing I made out in all the spam.

Xenthos

Thank you for this post. Actions speak much louder to me than words, but (for a large number of reasons that I will not delve into here) it is quite heartening to see you thinking about this.

PS: I did actually read it all.

Karlach

I'm glad to see you've taken the time to reflect, and to make concessions for your conduct. I hope you take the benefits of hindsight and move forward positively.

Aiyana

I figure it's about time I break this here, I suppose. Better a time than never at all, since I've avoided saying anything before.

I made an alt in Magnagora fairly recently, tried playing it off as a new character in my slew of "is there any way I can help out other orgs retain their newbies, maybe throw some feedback at these people?" and said alt had a chance to get to know you. A side if you many people don't like to acknowledge exists if they even do at all.

I was skeptical at first, remembering past interactions and actually treading on the side of fearing you, but..

You proved to me, at least, that you truly do care, and that you try, no matter what anyone else says or does. In fact, you're the only reason I stuck by the alt and gave her a greater chance-- and will continue to play her and put credits into her, even, when I have a little more freed up time-- after some experiences I had with some other folks.

I have to give you props, Munsia. You're one cool cat.

Tacita

Whilst actions do indeed speak louder than words, I think the act of posting something like this is a big step in itself and you deserve much kudos for it. I hope putting it out there not only gives you the conviction to continue reflecting, but also encourages those around you to keep themselves open to the possibility that people can change.

Lusternia and its community as a whole have a huge capacity for forgiveness and second chances, something that I have always loved about it. I'm pretty sure if we started the "I was basically a hideous brat as a teenager but people in Lusternia reminded me I could be better" club then there would be an awful lot of us in it

Good luck

Daraius

Guys everything in this game is words. :P

Arimisia

Munsia said:

There are those of you who have stood by me over the years, some longer than others. Quite the thankless job as I do not make it easy to be my friend. My allies were used as shields against the rest, and growing grumpy when I didn't get my way. I had become a spoiled brat to you, though you always kept coming back. With Narsrim gone, only one person has endured the full abuse of this position, and @Arimisia must be mentioned. 

You are my friend and I have tried to do my best smooth over hurt feelings of others and to keep you as calm as I could. I know sometimes I tease you over it a bit but we have a good relationship of taking shit in stride. I been trying to tell people for a long time that you really are not that bad and actually can offer a lot if people can get past the reputation and occasional outbursts. Maybe I really am bias, but I do not let things get to me and I can say I have had a lot of fun with Munsia and she has helped Arimisia grow (and maybe get into a little trouble!)

Zilias

This was a very nice read.  I have only had few interactions with Munsia directly, but since my time joining Lusternia around 3ish years ago I have always heard the name Munsia.  Whether it be the random shouts, having you show up to stomp in my face randomly because I was there or forum posts and rants, I can honestly say that Lusternia would not be the same for me, without you.  When I heard you were shrubbed, Zilias had a small party in his brain.  He could walk about without having to use Scent as often, because frankly most people cant drop him instantly like Munsia could.  However, I was also excited to hear you were back.  So, maybe it is because we haven't interacted a lot but I think you are an asset to the game.  It needs some sort of conflict.  If every character was nice, it would be a boring game.

So, to not drag this out...I read it all, and i enjoyed it all.  I have used Lusternia to escape from real world issues from time to time, and the community has always been there for me.  Glomdoring might seem dark ICly, but OOCly they are some of the nicest people I have met.  So, I can completely understand why Lusternia can be an addiction that is hard to break.

I also should apologize...I did partake a bit in the "Moosia" jokes.  Was all in good fun, but I can see how this being your escape that it could hurt your feelings.

Shaddus

You were the meanest, cruelest mother my characters have ever had, and I wouldn't trade you for the world.

Munsia

I would like to note that the 'Cow' jokes never hurt my feelings, but they created a reputation that was hard to get away from.

Daedalion

I'm not gonna comment on the main topic. Since I always knew that despite your sometimes abrasive personality, you weren't that bad of a person. I mean we've butted heads in the past, insults were given, cow jokes were made.. but we always got around all of that in the end like it never happend. (Sorry about the cow jokes.)

I do have a random shout out though. Raiding with @Munsia and @Thoros these past couple of months have been the highlights of the times I've had in Lusternia in.. Geez, probably this entire year? Maybe more? It's been really boring and you guys deserve to know you've made my life more entertaining! Thank you.

Silvanus

Munsia

You...want to hit me with a car? I don't understand the implication!

Marcella

I think it's more amusing that on the way, that black one looked like it wanted to do lewd things to the one that got hit. Ultimate interruption? Maybe you are unfulfilled?

Ssaliss

Or, it's a way to show how badass cows are. Hit them with a car? They shrug it off, stand up and just walk on.

Lavinya

It takes a lot of guts to post something like this. God knows Lavinya has had eternal frustrations with Munsia, but as far as I'm concerned it's roleplay, even if you've had trouble with staying in character. I work hard to stay in character and act as Lavinya would based on what happens in the game. I just want you to know that even if in the game Lavinya will forever think Munsia is irreverent, blasphemous and all other sorts of terrible things, you have my real life respect for taking the effort to not only post this but also having the maturity to admit to past mistakes and seek to move on from them. Kudos to you.

Rialorm

Respect for posting this. When I was playing my Mag, I didn't always like you even though I tried. I had a hunch it might be real life bleeding through, as some people did keep insisting that you were not a bad person at heart, but I found it hard to believe. I see now that I was wrong in that, so I'd like to offer my apologies.

Annick

First brother is the best...

Munsia

Nyla!

Thoros

<-- has always loved Munsia.

Nayl

So, just saw this.

Err... How do I put this, Hmm.

Okay, just going to sound like a... 

Munsia, you're cool. STFU.

There, said it.

Having said that, Nayl and my impressions of you were very different when we first met, oh so very long ago, nowadays, it's about the same, Y'cool just breathe.

Oh, and uh... I still think Ninja's are better than Pirates.