Best Of

It was any other day in Gaudiguch when the unexpected happened - the Freedom Council authorised mass destruction within the City of Freedom. Interviewing eyewitnesses, the explosion happened far beneath the city after a riot was started over the city's shortage of kouseki powder. While kouseki powder is not generally in high demand beyond the creation of incense, it seems an artificial demand has been induced by notable members of the city, including Caliph Eritheyl, Minister of Security Afrit, and their patsies Chundae and Zulte.

The explosion and subsequent destruction were centred around a structure known as the Golden Pavilion. This was an announcement made by a man named Arix from atop the Great Pyramid. We were not able to garner comment on the Pavilion, its purpose, or its whereabouts, but it was noted that the Matron of the Pavilion, Taschelin, was seen with many of the instigators both before and after the explosion, as well as a mysterious dracnari of old age and a dancer from the Palace of Pleasure who looked as if he had been tortured.

Digging into the events that led up to this, Deotathi, Proprieter of the Dapper Dashro Lounge, had this to say: "Couldn't tell you what they wanted myself. One day, they come in trying to shake me down, insisting that something was wrong and therefore something had to be wrong with me too. I hinted that their line of questioning was agitating me, and they seemed to take it as affirmation. Bloody nutters, the lot of them. This is why I don't pay taxes."

Further rumours of the dancer being central to all of this came to light, and after a little investigation, we learned that the Caliph Eritheyl was keeping him in his basement. When questioned about this, Eritheyl denied these claims and noted that the dancer was instead stored in his attic. When asked about the torture, he denied any comment, the obvious sign of a guilty man. Upon inquiring about his deals with the Golden Pavilion, he denied them but noted that the kouseki powder he promised was, in fact, a scam, and he was unaware of the existence of any quantities of the product. When asked for his reasoning, he claimed this was purely one of his freedoms and declined any further comment. The rest of the Freedom Council, nor any of their associates, could be contacted for comment.

Further investigation led me to the site of the Dragon's Scar Memorial Bridge, where earlier in the month was seen a gathering of Gaudiguchians, including the accused, and Serenwilders as well being granted an audience with the Lord Ein, who had not been seen for over a century at the time of this writing. In the interest of verifying this claim, I trekked to His fulcrux and inquired of Him about His return. He offered this: "Yes, the city decided to wake me up. It was all quite exciting." Apparently, in addition to starting a riot and scamming the people of Gaudiguch, the Freedom Council has decided to also harass and harangue a sleeping Elder and disturb His rest. This reporter finds such behaviour quite rude and intolerable, as sleep is one of the rarest and finest gifts known to mortalkind and I assume Elderkind too.

We find ourselves at a dearth of information at this point, with many questions left on our hands for our readers:
Why is the Freedom Council perpetrating scams upon its citizenry?
Why are there explosions being set off in the city without advance warning?
Given the number of Serenwilders attending His return, is this really Ein, or is it Lisaera in disguise? Or even more likely, Drocilla disguised as Lisaera disguised as Ein?

These questions and more will hopefully be answered in future editions of the Gossip. This has been Chixieya Ninchi, your favourite Editor in Grief, at the Gaudiguch Gossip.

Do you enjoy mucus, flesh, and ancient Illuminati experiments? Do your children ceaselessly bother you for a pet of some sort? Do you have an overabundance of coin, time, and energy to rear and raise new life? Well, you are in luck. The newly formed Vortex Preservation Society has made available a brand new invention of old: The Sarkipose.

They sneeze, they squeal, they adapt to their environment! The sarkipose is a wondrous pet for children of all ages from 6 to 600*, and they are the absolute height of failed Illuminati technology. All fleshseeds are guaranteed harvested fresh from the finest abscesses of the plane. Get yours today, speak to Zhush near the Lovashi valve.

* Due to their immense weight and size, we do not recommend sarkiposes for children younger than the age of six as they are both a crushing and a choking risk.

This advertisement is approved and paid for by the Vortex Preservation Society. The Vortex Preservation Society is not affiliated with the Gaudiguch city government or with the Gaudiguch Gossip.